Yes, you read it right, for our Halloween Special I bring to our lunar lands this horror movie – that looks more like a comedy – that, if it wasn’t about condoms that tear out (you know, right?), it would easily be a classic of afternoon movies on Brazilian TV.
Killer Condom is a 1996 trash movie. From Germany, it’s based on the comics Kondom des Grauens e Bis auf die Knochen by Ralf König. And on my opinion, it’s more of a comedy, a little porn even, than a horror. It also brings in its core a social point, that, for the time, and for being treated so naturally, got points with Hekate here.
The synopsis is this: “After losing one of his testicles to the terrible killer condom, dectective Luigi Mackeroni (Udo Samel) tries to annihilate the latex threat produced by a group of unbalanced people, in order to kill the perverts from New York”. Ok, I know, you can’t take a movie with this title and synopsis seriously, and it really can’t. I don’t know if it was the real intention of the producers, but I laughed from start to end.
The first scene is of a professor and a student in a fifith category hotel which people use to have sex. And yes, he was the first victim we get to meet – and I confess I thought it was good riddance the condom took his “little friend” out, because the girl clearly didn’t want anything with him, but he was blackmailing her. The scene is filled with fake grotesque blood and scandalous screams – a horror movie cliche, right?
From that on, our main character shows up to solve the mystery – which, until now, the police believed it was about: prostitutes cutting out sexual organs from their clients, all on the same hotel, with the same technique.
(Oh, I forgot to say before: in this hotel, they give condoms for free, because of a program from the government to stop spreading sexual transmissible diseases – but the most bizarre thing is that the condoms are all out of their packages and no one cares about it)
The detective – who, by the way, is a frequent visitor of the hotel – goes there to investigate and quench his carnal desires with one of the male prostitutes around. That’s where it starts to get interesting, a little before “doing the deed”, they realize that what was mutilating men weren’t the women, but the latex object.
You can laugh yourself off when the condom appears making little sounds – similar to those plastic toys that when you squeeze it squeaks – and runs away, as if there’s no tomorrow. It creates huge teeth and tears off one of the detective’s testicles – who is a chapter in himself, a stoic figure who lives smoking where it’s forbidden and wearing sunglasses.
Many shots and invasions to other rooms later, he finally manages to capture the object and takes it to a lab to know what is that – which was at least weird. People, really! In my ipinion, it’s the funniest part of all; a grown man, running after a condom that walks around and squeaks, shooting all around.
When the reports from the accused people and the detective aren’t taken seriously, he freaks out for a good 10 minutes in the movie, making it seem that he’s crazy – not that he didn’t seemed like that before – and one of the things I thought while watching was: “how come this man is a detective, with a gun permit, and can’t get even one shot right?”
What seemed it couldn’t get worse… Gets worse! The condoms flee from the hotel, spreading through the whole town, attacking not only sexual organs but all parts of the human body, tearing some noses and the likes. Maybe that moment the real objective behind it was to get the spectators somewhat desperate, but all that it manage to do, at least for me, was make me laugh, being so bizarre and bad.
To see the condoms going to the streets and making weird noises, walking around the town, it’s everything – really everything – but terrifying. The exagerated manner the characters in relatively easy to solve situations, or the manner they express in general, is a little desperating, and of course, as said a lot on this text, very funny.
In conclusion, they find out the one who invented and distributed those killer condoms through the streets of New York, was a crazy doctor – ultraconservative – who wanted to get rid of everything she judged immoral, sinful and perverted.
She kidnaps a scientist, who also seems not to be on his perfect mind, and in a lab located under the city, produces the object. Her hate speech, unfortunately, it’s still very common in cases of homophobia and discrimination. And it’s ok, on her point of view, to kidnap, mutilate and kill people. But if the person wanted to live their life, the way they want to, it was wrong – At last, the hypocrisy!
Going back to our funny plot, the doctor creates an extra large condom to our dear inspector – who already boasts about his member’s size at the start of the movie – that looks more like an alien than a condom. More physical clumsy fight scenes and shots that never hit, the movie ends with a “happy ending” and very funny facial expressions.
The dubbing – at least in the version I watched – helped the movie to get even more trashy. The 90’s expressions are also so funny and that made me even happier watching this movie that is so bad, but so bad, that gives you good laughs, distracts the mind from the real world and even – in this movie’s case – makes people think about respecting each other; that it’s important each one live their own lives and mind their own business and choices related to their own personal lives.
Bonus: Watch the Movie – The Killer Condom
Yes, I’m going to recommend you watch this movie: becase all of us deserve to lose some hours of our lives feeding our souls with bad movies.
That brings us distraction – and it’s even a good way of starting a conversation – you just have to get to someone and say like “hey, I read a post about a movie, saying it was bad, then I watched and it was really bad, I’ll tell you about it…”
It’s a golden tip (no pun intended) directly from the lunar lands!
Original version with English subtitles: https://youtu.be/gtmGNW2PTAQ)
Dark Side of The Moon Debut
For the trash movie column debut, we have the whole newsroom of Lune Station with their own posts! I’m gonna leave the links to Sel’s and Art’s posts so you can read it too!